I'm going to jail.
Why? Because I have decided to exact revenge on drivers who do two things.
1. Drive with their brights on while in town or while following me on the interstate.
2. Refuse to use a turn signal.
In fact, I'm going to buy a handgun and start winging people. I don't want to kill anyone, but a throbbing, bleeding gunshot wound would probably get my point across quickly. I think though, I'm going to actually aim for the heads of the people that put the signal on in the middle of the turn. They deserve to be removed from the gene pool.
As for the brights on in town? Guess what people. There has never been a deer related accident IN THE CITY LIMITS. There are also streetlights too. No brights are needed. So turn them the F off!
History
does indeed repeat itself.
Four years ago, I was playing with team BOHICA and it was our league tournament. We were playing the Aggies and we were in an elimination game as we had lost during the second round. I felt our team was peaking as we had dropped the number two team like a hot stone. We then dropped a close game to the Aggies.
Anyways, fate be had, and the Aggies had fallen into the loser's bracket as well. We were giving the Aggies all the fight they wanted. Now this was before we actually had an official scorer. I looked at the umpire and asked how many outs, and he said two. The next batter flew out and we came to bat in the top of the next inning. Our leadoff guy tripled and then we singled him in to tie the game. At that point one of the wives for the Aggies, comes up and says there were only two outs in the last inning, because she was keeping score. The umpire takes our run away, and we "go back in time" and he takes our run away. The Aggies come back and light us up because our momentum is gone and we lose by 10.
Friday night, I'm playing in the championship game of our league tournament against the Aggies. In the bottom of the 4th inning, we're behind 13-8. There is a runner on first base for the Aggies and their batter singles. The runner at first tries to take third and we have a great relay where the cutoff man threw a perfect strike to our third baseman who tags out the runner. The third baseman whips a throw to our second baseman and he tags out the batter who was trying to sneak into second. Bang bang play and we head to bat in the top of the fifth.
Brian comes up and hits a home run to cut the lead to 13-9. Big Ron was on deck and he had already hit a moonshot that probably went 350 feet. Ron's about to step in the box, when an Aggie wife comes up and says "There were only two outs in the last inning." I'm thinking "No fucking way this is happening again." We even have an official scorekeeper. But the official book said there were only two outs.
Our umpire doesn't take the run away but we go back in time again and the Aggies tack on 7 more runs in that inning with two outs. Suddenly it's 20-9 and our team is pissed off. We make a bit of a comeback but lose 24-20.
We come to find out via the USSSA rule book, in that situation, once a pitch is thrown in the new half inning, you can't go back in time. It's a "I'm sorry, but we as the umpire scorer screwed up."
Not only that, but the only one that can complain is the manager, not another player or a wife. What should have happend was we continue to hit in the top of the 5th and the ump should have said "Sorry guys, but that's our mistake and there's nothing we can do."
But no.
I'm not a whiner, but I'm almost to the point of agreeing with Brian that the ump was out to get us. Who knows what could have been if we went up to stick with the mojo?
I bet I wouldn't be sitting here in my runner-up shirt.
Borrowed from Bev yet again.
• What is something that makes you ANGRY?
Stupid Drivers in this town who don't use turn signals, drivers who just decide my PURPLE explorer really isn't heading their way so they will turn in front of me, and stupid drivers who don't use their rearview mirrors.
• What is your favorite ALCOHOLIC drink?
Hands down, Margaritas, and with enough 'ritas, I may get handsy with the right person.
• What is your BIRTHDATE?
Groundhog Day baby. On Feb 2. i hit the big Three-oh
• Do you have any BIRTHMARKS?
No I don't. I may have at one time, but since I'm a walking scar, it's probably torn up.
• What are you CAREER aspirations?
Ultimate aspiration=Back Page columnist for SI. Other than that, I'd like to be a Sports Columnist for a newspaper.
• Have you ever seen a CORPSE?
No. Although, one of our goals when we take the boat fishing, is to catch a body. However, we're torn on the idea if we snag the body anywhere other than the mouth, do we have to throw it back because it was foul hooked?
• What is your favorite DESSERT?
I'd guess I'd go with my Grandma's Banana Cream Pie
• When its your time, how would you like to DIE?
Quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
• What is the highest level of EDUCATION you have completed?
I'm still in college. I feel like it's never going to end thanks to Spanish.
• If you were an EVIL character, what would your name be?
i'm not sure, but it would have to start out Lord Most Evil...then i'd add to it.
• Have you ever set FIRE to anything?
yes, carpet, my friends and even myself.
• What’s your best FLIRTY line?
HAHAHAHA that's funny. It would probably be "Hi." I know, weak!!!
• What food turns you into a complete GLUTTON?
Chinese food.
• What is the best GIFT you have ever gotten?
This summer, getting to spend all this extra time with my grandfather.
• What is your definition of HAPPINESS?
Doing something one enjoys, whether its something minor or major. For me it can range from talking to certain people, playing softball, or traisping about the countryside with my gun in search of my quarry
• Who do you HATE more: Paris Hilton or Jessica Simpson?
I will dislike Jessica Simpson more, because I don't have a chance with her. I wouldn't want a chance with Paris. She's in the next question.
• Who do you think is the biggest village IDIOT?
Paris Hilton.
• State an INTERESTING fact about yourself.
Contrary to popular belief, I haven't killed anyone.....yet.
• What is the worst JOB you have ever had?
It wasn't a job, but a facet of one I had. When I worked at the golf course, I used to clean the bathrooms every Friday afternoon. Normally that wasn't so bad. But one certain Friday after I had consumed 11 Bud Lights in an hour and a half was very brutal. My plan was to sit on a mower and sober up, but there was too much dew so I had to clean the shitters that morning. It still wouldn't have been that bad, but three of the four were plugged up. And we'll just say that it looked like something must have clawed its way out of three people.
• What is your favorite piece of JEWELRY?
My necklace
• KARAOKE: love it or hate it?
Never have done it so I refuse to pass judgement.
• How do you feel about having KIDS?
Maybe someday I'll have one. Of course it will have to be grilled just right with a lemon butter sauce. Wait, you meant children...not baby goats?
• Who is the great LOVE of your life?
I don't have one. I suck as a person.
• What would you like to LEARN how to do?
Fly. With superpowers.
• What is your favorite childhood MEMORY?
Anytime spent at my grandparents.
• If you had MINIONS, what would you order them to do first?
They would be out scouring the countryside, proccuring the best hunting ground we could find.
• How many daily NAPS do you need?
I only need a nap maybe once a week.
• Ever accidentally exposed your own or someone else’s NIPPLE?
Absolutely on someone else. She got mouthy once in a pool and i had to conviently remove her bikini top that only had strings during a tussle. I won.
• Do you think OUIJA boards are really controlled by the devil?
Um, no. But hopefully my minions have been trained by evil forces.
• Describe something ODD about you.
What's not odd about me?
• What are you really PICKY about?
That I have to have two batting gloves to hit with.
• Have you ever been to PRISON?
No. But if they find that body and tie me to it...well then maybe.
• Name something you can do really QUICKLY.
Shower.
• Who do you QUARREL with the most?
Dumb parents at baseball games.
• If someone held you for RANSOM, how much do you think you are worth?
I'm not worth the paper the money was printed on.
• What is your current RELATIONSHIP status?
I have no status.
• Which of the SEVEN deadly SINS most applies to you?
I don't know. I can't remember them. I'm a good kid.
• Which would you rather not have in your home: a SPIDER or a SNAKE?
A spider. Especially one of those great huge jungle spiders that kill you in hand to hand combat.
• What experience felt like complete TORTURE?
Spraining my ankle and then trying to walk out of the gym.
• What is the first THOUGHT you have waking up?
Morning already? Damn.
• What is the color of the UNDERWEAR you are wearing right now?
I have navy blue boxers with ducks on them.
• What is your most UNFLATTERING feature?
Me in general.
• Who do you think is the best VILLAIN of all time?
Darth Vader.
• What makes you feel VULNERABLE?
Worrying about things
• Which would you rather have: unlimited WEALTH or unlimited WISDOM?
Wealth. Because if I had wisdom, people would expect things from me.
• If you could rule the WORLD, would you?
Maybe, I'd have a lot of subcommittees though.
• Who is your favorite X-MEN character?
Wolverine
• Have you ever had an X-RAY?
Surprisingly with my history, no I have not. And I've only ever had two stitches.
• What do you YEARN for?
Lots of snow during hunting season. Too bad that will never happen.
• Who do you think looks more like a YETI?
Her name was Angie. She was about 6-1 and weighed around 250 and had a crush on me. And I fled.
• What is your ZODIAC sign?
Aquarius
• What has been the ZENITH of your life?
Birth maybe? I don't know. I hope I haven't peaked yet.
Wow. Tis the season of the sweat
It's hot.
It's damn hot out there.
Yesterday it was somewhere between 108 and 111. That's without the heat index too. We don't bother with what it feels like, we just care what it is. It's so hot I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog.
It's so hot, I'm thinking about killing myself while sinning so I go to Hell because right now, Hell is a lot cooler than Kansas.
Today it's supposed to be about the same. I'm supposed to write a column today, but I'm thinking of saying No and going and hanging out in the pool.
TURN DOWN THE HEAT!!!
Name calling
I probably deserved it.
Last night, we had a little get-together. I showed up late because I had been playing ball. Being considerate I showered before I went over to Bret's house. My Aunt B was there and she said for me to try this dip, yet she was smirking about it. I knew something was up because everyone else was chuckling too.
I tried it and it was, well, too put it mildly, awful. Aunt B (yes, the B is for a word that rhymes with witch) made the dip, which was a mexican style corn/cheese dip that called for cumin. Unfortunately, Aunt B wasn't paying that much attention and she put cinnamon in the dip. She said she thougth A. the cumin was old because it didn't smell like cumin, and B. that it was darker than normal cumin. To be honest about it, it tasted like a bad breakfast spread.
We were all laughing about it. This morning after I woke up, I just couldn't resist a phone call to my aunt.
Me: "Hi, what are you doing?"
Her: "I just got done piddling around outside."
Me: "Oh. Well I just wanted you to know, that I just had some toast with cinnamon and sugar on it and it tasted a lot lik-"
Her: "You're an asshole."
That sent me into a helpless wave of laughter. Of course Aunt B was laughing too. She doubled me over again when she said "I was too tired to deal with that glob of shit, so I left it in the car overnight." I kept laughing and trying to talk but she kept calling me an asshole.
Tonight, she even gave me the finger when I was about to mention it.
I think I probably deserved it.
Pet Peeved
So everyone has a few pet peeves. I'm no exception, but tonight mine nearly got the better of me.
Since I umpire Pony Boys, which here is ages 11-12, I can't take bad coaches with bad methods. Stupid coaches are one thing, because a lot of the time, the stupid coaches are trying, they just don't know the rules. Stupid coaches can be a bit of a pain but when they encourage the kids, that's not a problem.
It's the bad coaches that really chap my hide. Tonight was no exception. This coach has been coaching his son for the past two summers. Anyways, Lyle and his team were hanging out watching the end of the first game, when in reality they should have been warming their arms up. So the first game is over and his team goes out into the OF and warms up a little. That's still not too bad but what killed me was what he did with his pitcher.
Pitcher's arms are sometimes fragile, especially at this age. Warm up is critical for developing young arms. Instead of ever having his pitcher warm up like the other coaches do, Lyle does exactly what a coach shouldn't. He makes the pitcher take infield with the rest of the team. Never throws a warm up pitch. Not one. You think the kid could find the strike zone? Oh heck no. I was in disbelief.
Lyle also got a kid thrown out at home and then said it was the kid's fault for not running around the catcher. What Lyle had done was send this kid from third as the ball trickled from the shortstop to the pitcher who was backing it up. The runner was dead by about 30 feet. I looked at my base ump between innings and said "WTF was he doing sending him?" and LVG just laughed.
There has never been a positive thing coming out of his mouth. One kid made a great catch in left field and what came out of Lyle was "Um nice catch, but you needed to be doing blah blah blah." These kids are at an age when the need to be taught and encouraged. Sure they're going to make mistakes, but you have to teach the kids how to do it right, rather than berate them for doing it wrong.
It's almost enough to make me coach.
Rented from Bev
1. How old do you wish you were? I think I'm pretty happy right about where I am which is 29 or something.
2. Where were you when 9/11 happened? Working at the golf course. My batteries had died in my walkman and when I replaced them, that's when i heard about it.
3. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?Beat them with a stick until they pee. Come to think of it, that's what I do to my friends when they steal my money.
4. Do you consider yourself kind? Yes. I'm a nice guy and nice guys finish last.
5. If you HAD to get a tattoo, where would it be? Probably on my shoulder blade
6. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? Spanish? Shut it Jay.
7. Do you know your neighbors? Yes, and they are good people.
8. What do you consider a vacation/Holiday? Going to my aunt and uncle's farm in Nebraska to fish and play golf.
9. Do you follow your horoscope? Nope. i don't even follow a slutoscope.
10. Would you move for the person you loved? Good question. Jury is out on that one.
11. Are you touchy feely? Possibly
12. Do you believe that opposites attract? Yes I do..I concur with Bev
13. Dream job? Back page columnist for Sports Illustrated
14. Favorite channel(s)? Da da da, da da da, ESPN, Discov
15. Favorite place to go on weekends? Anywhere I'm playing softball
16. Showers or Baths? Showers.
17. Do you paint your nails? No, unless i get paint on my nails when i'm actually painting, but it comes off as its watercolor
18. Do you trust people easily? For the most part unless I get a vibe.
19. What are your phobias? Heights and spiders
20. Do you want kids? Yes. Ten of them that way I can quarterback my own football team
21. Do you keep a handwritten journal? No dice kids.
22. Where would you rather be right now? playing softball.
23. Heavy or light sleeper? depends, but i'm getting to be a lighter sleeper as i get older. I want to hear the Angel of Death knocking at my door.
24. Are you paranoid? The voices in my head say I'm not.
25. Are you impatient?Sometimes. But i fish and therefore I can be very patient.
26. Who can you relate to? Uh...kids maybe?
27. How do you feel about interracial couples? Everyone is entitled to be happy whomever they are with. The only thing i think should be set in stone is that white people should cut white people's hair, black people should cut black people's hair and Matt Blosser should never cut anyone's hair ever again.
28. Have you been burned by love? No, but i've been burned by hot cinnamon roll icing.
29. What's your favourite pick up line? No one has ever used one on me, but it would probably be something like, "Hey, want to fill in on our co-ed team?"
30. What's your main ringtone on your cell? Just a ring.
31. What were you doing at midnight last night?i was sitting here thinking about writing a column.
32. What did the last text on your mobile phone say? "Good."
33. Whose bed did you sleep in last night? Mine, alone. again.
34. What color shirt are you wearing? A Nebraska Huskers tshirt, so in other words Red.
35. Most recent movie you watched? The Shawshank Redemption
36. Name three things you have on you at all times? all times? shirt, shorts, socks.
37. What color are your bed sheets? White
38. How much cash do you have on you right now? $38 but that should diminish as there is a poker game in an hour.
39. What is your favorite part of the chicken? Anything marinated in my Table Rock marinade
40. What's your favorite town/city? I'm kind of partial to my small town of 4000.
41. I can't wait till!: I play softball again, or pheasant season
42. Who got you to join myspace? I think i'm one of the three people on the planet who don't have myspace.
43. What did you have for dinner last night? Wendy's.
44. How tall are you barefoot? 6-0.
45. Have you ever smoked heroin? No.Never. Ever.
46. Do you own a gun? Yes. I hunt, hello? what do you think i throw rocks?
47. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? water or coffee
48. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? HAHAHA I don't lure the opposite sex.
49. Do you have A.D.D.? What was the question?
50. What time did you wake up today? About 8am.
51. Current worry? Is it going to rain and cancel the game?
52. Current hate? That one annoying guy who I play ball against.
53. Favorite place to be? Playing ball, or hunting pheasants
54. Where would you like to travel? How about the south of France?
55. Where do you think you’ll be in 10 yrs? Hopefully, still alive.
56. Last thing you ate? Steak, baked potato, salad.
57. What songs do you sing in the shower? Usually what song I had been listening to before i got in.
58. Last thing that made you laugh? My father, telling me he actually planted more carrots.
59. Worst injury you’ve ever had? I don't know. my ankle sprain was vicious.
60. Does someone have a crush on you? Only 17 year olds.
61. What’s your favorite candy? Snickers, kit kat
62. What song is stuck in your head?
"Santa Monica" by Theory of a Deadman
